Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Breastfeeding can be too overwhelming

Dear breastfeeding diary,
These past few days, I felt that my breastfeeding Aka breast pumping journey has become a bit too much to bear.. One day I broke down and really cried it out!! It was the day when I was at home alone with my baby without being able to pump my milk out.. I waited until my husband was back from work and did my pumping while my husband took care our baby, unfortunately it was a bit late, I got too engorged and when I pumped, not much milk coming out.. I was too tired and I slept.. At 4am, I woke up to a super engorged right breast and I did massage & hot compress before pumping but unfortunately it wasn't my lucky day.. My milk got stuck and refused to come out, my nipples were too sore having it pumped for over 40 minutes with barely any milk came out..
It was hard & painful...
I took a hot shower at 5am and too bad, my heater didn't work, I technically bathed with cold water and in the shower, I just broke down and cried :'( I thought maybe it's the end of my breastfeeding journey and mentally I just felt so sad, a mixture of feeling guilty, sad and bad.. I just wasn't ready to quit that early... My baby is not even 5 months old yet...
It was my first time feeling so desperate and I didn't know what to do... 
My baby woke up to my crying and I latched him on.. As usual, he latched for a while and rejected it totally... In the middle of breaking down, I just had to do what I needed to do, I grabbed my breast pump and tried to pump one more time.. This time round, my milk came out, I was so relief, feeling much better but extremely traumatic with such bad experience.. If it's not meant to stop yet, it won't!!
Breastfeeding is such a funny experience, sometimes it can be quite a torture physically & mentally but it just keeps going and going! Although it can be a torture, the thought of quitting it hurts even more! Funny, isn't?
I'm not ready to stop yet and I'm not sure when, although this journey can be both overwhelming and painful but it's a joy to be able to produce something so healthy to my little one :)

Cheers from your exclusive pumper

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