As you read from the title, I'm officially closing my baby factory like finally! Yes I have moved on living with just having 2 kids! At least for now!
When I was pregnant with my second child, Calysta, I told myself countless times, that's it, I'm done making babies! 2 is enough! It was my last pregnancy! But deep inside, I would want to experience another pregnancy, I would want to take my maternity photos I never had before, I would want to experience pregnancy glow, baby kicks, the excitement in welcoming a newborn and more! And so I thought maybe I wasn't done yet! Maybe I could plan baby no 3 and maybe I could plan it in 2017, I wouldn't want my kids' age gaps to be very far though!!
Nonetheless, 1 year after Calysta was born, the desire to have no 3 was somehow gone further and further ! I wasn't sure if it was because I was tired taking care 2 young kids with just 19 months age gap or I just felt contented with 2 so I was uncertain with my decision whether to have no 3 or not!
18 months passed by after I gave birth to Calysta, the desire to be pregnant, to take care a newborn was not quite there yet! So I had a little discussion with my husband whether or not to have no 3, to delay to have no 3 or not at all. My husband has always wanted his kids' age gap to be close to one another, so he thought we could try this time or move on with our life with having just 2 kids and no regret at all.
It was truly a tough decision for 2 of us but I know we made the right decision. As much as I enjoy being pregnant but the thought of taking care newborn who wakes up every 2 hours to nurse, sleepless nights again and again, the hardship in taking care a preschooler, a toddler and a newborn all together is freaking me out! Not to mention taking care all of them when they are sick, cranky and grumpy, dividing my love and attention when I have only 2 hands and I get used to EJ on my left side and Calysta on my right side. It's something more than I could handle mentally and physically.
Another thing concerning my decision is my marriage life, communication & intimacy with my husband would be absolutely affected thanks to our hectic life with kids, thus the "no time" between two of us would affect our relationship. Moreover, my relationship with my family members in the house would be affected as well especially with my in laws (you know how generations difference could affect one another) and worst, I could face another post delivery depression. I remember how I cried so much after each birth of my 2 kids. Plus plus baby colic and baby crying will just stress me out at the end. Breastfeeding will never be easy! Boobs engorgements and having to visit lactation consultation countless times, no but thanks no! I'm not ready to face all these things all over again!
Not mentioning, when my older kids get sick, the newborn would get sick too and worse, no medication can be prescribed to baby under 6 months old and our newborn could end up to get hospitalized! I just couldn't get these scary thoughts out of my head. And not forgetting worrying the baby from first trimester whether the fetus is still alive with strong heartbeat or not all the way to third trimester if the unborn baby is still kicking hard or growing with no abnormalities. And oh if the baby gaining enough weight inside and outside the belly. I hate worrying things!
In conclusion, I will worry so much about everything from pregnancy to birth to taking care a baby in the first year.
I also understand that another baby is absolutely a blessing and I know my heart can always hold another love and I can't literally get enough of sweet baby breathe and baby smell but looking at other circumstances that could happen with the arrival of no 3, I'm sorry to say I'm chickened out!
I'm fine now with my life and why and what else do I want more?
Another selfish side of mine wants to enjoy a good life, to travel with my husband to places I have never been before, to be in size 6 forever, to look slim and good for my own sanity. And to attend events I like, to treat my body well. I'm not looking forward to gain weight and having difficulty time to lose pregnancy weight and absolutely not looking forward to have saggy skin in my tummy, butt and thighs. Sounds selfish to others but my happiness matters the most, more than others' opinions. If looking good can make me feel happy, confident and contented with myself, then it's okay for me to look good as long as I wanted!
So I have decided with my husband that we are happy with our 2 kids and we are grateful to have both in our life and most importantly we are happy with our life
Will we change our mind in the future? Perhaps! We don't know about it yet but what we know is the baby factory is closed for good now and we are totally okay with that right now!
So fellow mommies out there whether you have one or two kids and have no intention to add more, you are totally not selfish, society can judge us for not wanting more kids but our life is more than just making & growing babies. We do have other interests in life too and as long as we are happy, whatever decisions we make, it's all good! And remember not to miss other good things in life too!
Most importantly, having quality kids is more important than number of kids!
What's next is I'm looking forward to my NYC trip with my husband, going for our long vacation without bringing kids end of this year and to enjoy our life as much as possible
So yeah cheers to all moms of 2 :)
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