As I'm writing this post, my sweet 20 month old baby Calysta has just fallen into her not so sweet dream (I bet she will wake up again 10 minutes after I type this)
I feel so tired, drained, my eyes are heavy.. My brains feel sleepy, my body is achy! I feel like I want to scream at my innocent baby for torturing me tonight! But I prefer to stay cool and calm even though I'm screaming inside! I'm tired! I want my me time. Full stop!!
Calysta has changed her sleeping pattern. Instead of sleeping at 7.30-8pm like she used to be, she's now sleeping at 10-10.30pm, more than 2 hours past her normal sleeping time even though she doesn't nap extra, as per normal, she naps for one hour in the afternoon. Nothing has changed at all except she's now being a cute little owl who plays, jumps, throws temper at 10pm without showing signs of sleepiness. Big sigh! It has been a second night she sleeps late and my second night, I become a grumpy mommy who is missing her normal me time!
"You are getting 6 hours sleep?" "That's very good already" "I thought a mum can only have less than 6 hours sleep?" I heard that a lot from other mommies! The thing is everybody functions differently! I need at least 7 hours of sleep (okay maybe 6 hours uninterrupted and 1 hour interrupted, fair enough right?) for my brains to function happily! I need a good sleep to be a happy mum!
Why don't you sleep as soon as your baby dozing off and why don't you take a nap? The thing is I need a bit of me time to relax my mind like watching my favorite drama before I sleep and that's the only way for me to sleep soundly! And I don't get used to napping plus Calysta only naps on my chest, so it's kinda uncomfortable, although I don't mind, just that I'm unable to take a nap!
I complained a bit to my husband last night and he replied back "why would you want to have kids then?" He got the point!, I wasn't upset at him at all because my husband is a very straight forward man and he will just tell me straight whatever it is. Yes having children is my choice, it's my responsibility to take care my children, it's my job as a mommy to educate them and it's my duty to love them as much as possible but mommy is a human being too, mommy can feel tired, can feel drained and can feel like crying sometimes! The point is I'm beyond just being a mommy, I'm myself too!
I would be lying if I said I didn't feel guilty at all for being a grumpy mum! I felt bad! I felt horrible! I imagine how women who struggle with infertility wish to have those complaints and issues I'm facing with my children on daily basis. I feel their pain, sadness , emptiness and agony when that darn pregnancy test keeps showing one line every month!
The truth is I'm grateful and I feel so blessed to have both in my life and there's nothing I would change, not even a world! The truth is my babies are healthy and that is all matter to me now! But the reality is I can't help to feel upset not having enough me time like I used to have, I can't help to feel irritated when I'm just feeling tired and no one is there to offer me to take over to take care my kids tonight! That's really what a mother is going through! If you read this and I share how you feel, I just want to hug you tight! I feel you! After all, mother is always there to support fellow mother without any judgments!
Being a mum of 2, having 2 kids with 1.5 year age gap is very challenging because literally it's just like taking care twins. One is having horrible 3 stage and another one is having terrible 2 stage. It's a hectic life here! and the house seems very full with these 2 only, I swear! They fight, they scream, they cry! They cry bloody loud! They fight like 2 grown up adults ~ they snatch, they push, they bite, they grab, they hit, they kick! I'm not joking! They can be so sweet to one another and they can be so violent towards each other!
The boy or you can call him EJ is 3 years 3 months old. He can throw a horrible 3 year old threenager temper and be so emo more than a lady having her PMS. He will cry like no one business after hearing one tiny advise (not even with high tone, goodness) from his mommy or daddy. He will fight back and reason us "why can not?" "Why you angry?"
The good thing about the boy who is crazily obsessed with dinosaurs is he's partially potty trained now, at least he can tell us he wants to pee pee or poo poo and doesn't need diapers in the day time. Except night time when he's sleeping, he can't tell us to go pee pee yet! The good thing is I save more diaper $, thus I have a little of my sanity back because I can use "used-to-be-his-diaper-allowance" to get something nice for myself hahaaa.. Hey sanity is very important to a tired mommy okay? And at least he saved some for me heheee.. (Kidding!)
And the girl, the petite sweet little girl as known as Calysta is turning 2 years old in 4 months time and going through terrible 2 stage, whatever she means, she means it, whatever she wants, she wants it! Although I have to admit she has the best sweet baby scent in the universe and I can't stop smelling her head and hair when she's sleeping and I'm kinda addicted to her smelly head so much, funnily! She's still nursing at this age and my bonding with her is just amazing! I have to admit she has the strangest habit too, guess what? She loves to dig, pinch, scratch, caress and smell mommy's armpit and she's addicted to it! She can't sleep without having her "armpit time" I hope I know a case like this, so she won't be the only "armpit" weird girl I know! Other than her torturing my sleep, she's really a sweet cute little girl who loves to kiss mommy and shows her sweet love to me! So fair enough I guess! She tortures but she loves me, enough!
So this is what I feel about motherhood, being a mommy myself for 3 years. I'm not just a mommy, I'm myself too! Being myself means I need to have me time, to pamper and to enjoy myself because as much as my kids are my top priority but I need to think for myself and to take care myself properly too and I realize that reading other mommy's blogs on the Internet makes me question myself "Am I good enough?" "Am I teaching my kids enough?" "Are they learning enough?" "Can they do this, Can they do that?" Why, what, when and how! These kind of questions just pop out! I'm not comparing my kids' milestones but can't help to question my self which I don't like! I don't like being worried I don't teach my kids enough, I don't like being worried my son can't read yet and I don't want to feel like why my time is not enough for my kids to do their activity time longer or why my kids are playing more than they learn. And why does iPad time is more than learning time! If you know what I mean!
As much as I understand reading those mommy blogs that promote pre-schooling activity time and milestones can be motivating but I just want to stop worrying about stuff I haven't achieved as a mom! Every mum has different way in raising kids, different perspective and there's no same way to ensure happiness and so I won't be reading much of other's mommy blog because that is their life and this is my life, my family and we are different! And whatever I write here, it matters to me not others!
And so, what does it take to be a good mother? I don't know! Different perspective, different raising, different way, there's no same thing. One thing I know as long as I'm happy, my kids are happy & healthy! That's matter so much more than "hey I'm a good mum because I have done this and that..."
So yeah let's read less and stay happy! life will be more beautiful!